No News is Good News – Episode 1

5 02 2010

I feel myself inspired by – an amazing source of alternative news that never happened. However, where the guys in The Onion towers imagine, I would use more authentic news sources and add masala to it. After all, the is only thing stranger than fiction is truth told with liberal dose of mirch masala.  So let me begin.

Barack Obama crawled out of the rock he had been hiding under for all these years and called for a stop to outsourcing of jobs. Earlier this week Obama had confidential (closed door) meetings with representatives of Shiv Sena and Maharastra Navnirman Sena to draw up a comprehensive economic policy tentatively named Bold Ideas of Government On Trade (BIGOT).

While promoting his new policy direction Obama said: Fair and Open Trade Policies are the biggest reason of an average American’s suffering. These (Fair and Open Trade) policies should be discontinued worldwide with immediate effect. America has only ever recognized and supported the validity of Free Trade Zones for American Goods and we are committed to creating new Free Trade Zones around the world in keeping with the model that has proven so successful in Iraq and Afghanistan.

As an immediate retaliation for trying to take away jobs from other countries, Indonesia announced that it is undecided about what to do with “Little Barry” of the Menteng Park installed less than a month back.  The sources close to the government say that the Little Obama statue was not supposed to be a permanent fixture. Supposedly, the statue had been commissioned in wax , a la Tussaud’s, and the authorities were surprised when the statue turned out decked in Bronze.

The Chief of Parks in Indonesia said We thought of installing a wax statue that would melt over the course of 4 years of Obama’s presidency and we would have replaced it with the wax statue of the next president. We also asked for the statue to melt in keeping with the popularity of the current president.

The “Little Barry” is now all set to be torn down and the site is to be left as it is till the Indonesian authorities decide on the next crazy plan for it. The Chief also let in rather sheepishly that he thought he too was the candidate for Nobel prize, after all he had achieved much more in the last three months than Obama had done in the whole year. In his wordsLook around you, I made a park out of crap (he meant manure) and look at Obama he made crap out of an economy. Though he still maintained that his vying for Nobel prize had nothing to do with statue’s uncertain future.

Closer to home, on being asked when is Air India (AI) expected to record a turnaround, India’s Finance Minister Mr. Pranab Mukherjee made an uncharacteristically candid remark claiming  AI, cannot be expected to turnaround as much as it can be expected to be turned over and go tits up. I would be meeting Party High Command and we would do whatever Madam Sonia deems fit.On being pushed for further information he was forced to retort – Inka to kuchh ho nahi sakta, ab mera time barbaad mat karo.

But AI’s cup of misery is not being considered as a bad news by everyone. The Communist Party of India, CPI (M), is spending time salivating and monitoring the situation. According to one high ranking undisclosed party worker, CPI (M) is hoping that government announces job cuts at AI, so that the already unemployed CPI (M) army of workers could have some issue for “naarebaazi” and call for general strikes in West Bengal and Kerala.

Still smarting from the Nandigram episode and serious whooping handed over to it by Mamta Banerjee’s Trinamool Congress, the CPI (M) remains hopeful of this issue escalating. According to the same party worker We would declare a country wide bandh for 3 days in support of AI workers union, if other states do it – bhaalo, otherwise West Bengal and Kerala stay closed for 7 Days.

In Sports, after comprehensively beating Roger Federer, Andy Murray chose to stay humble and shared the honours with Federer. Murray said I can cry like Roger, it’s just a shame I can’t play like him.”, this after Murray had comfortably outdone Federer’s attempt in unforced tears and expression faults. After losing the title of crybaby and being talked down upon, an obviously angered Federer threw down the challenge with a simple and classy “See you at Wimbledon, you chickensh*t.

Moving on to glamour world, Lindsay Lohan is willing to take off her clothes for fame. Word coming out is that, Hugh Hefner is said to be interested in the offer, but is unlikely to sign the singer-turned-actor due to concerns over her acting skills and he says “…besides there is no Oscar in our industry, baby.” An Indian Production House is also interested in casting Ms. Lohan opposite the acting sensation Emran Hashmi; however doubt remains to their commitment in lieu of the actress demanding unreasonable pay. When asked Ms. Lohan confirmed that the talks were ongoing for a role in a Bollywood movie, and any claim of her asking exorbitant money or a script worthy of Oscars is baseless.

She wrapped up the interview by claiming succinctly off the record – All the talk of grand money and grand script is *a bovine animal’s excremental product*. They can pay me in kind. I will work for booze!” .

Remember genius, being off the record does not stop it from getting published because “Who ******* cares?”.

So that’s it for the first version of “No News is Good News”. Hope you enjoyed.